Today I tried a different approach - I decided to doodle with my eyes closed and with my non-dominant hand. As soon as my eyes were closed and I started putting pen to paper, I felt very unsure. I was constantly feeling for the edges of the page.
The following thoughts entered my mind:
1. Am I filling the whole page?
2. What is my doodle looking like so far?
3. Was this a stupid idea?
4. For how long should I keep my eyes closed?
After what felt like a mere minute or two I opened my eyes - and was amazed to see that what I had done didn't look totally horrific! I continued to work on the doodle with my eyes open and added spots of colour with my dominant hand. I then switched over to my non-dominant hand and added some patterns to my doodle. Unfortunately I forgot to take pictures of my progress, but this is what my finished doodle looked like...
I rather liked the abstractness and line quality of it - it looked totally different to my previous doodles, and it felt 'fresh' to me.
Reflecting back on this experience I realised how difficult it was for me not to be in control - not to be able to see what I was doing, not to have control over some parts of the doodle - even if I was drawing it (and even if it was just a doodle). I guess it's a reflection of my personal life - I have a need to always be in control, and I find it extremely difficult not to be - hence my anxiety disorder. This is definitely something that I need to work on!